Herbal Home Remedies for the Magically Inclined

Need a love potion? Or a cure for asthma? Have a look in your kitchen!

 

Baldness is distressing. But take heart. A few sprigs of parsley ground into a paste and applied to the bald spot for a month will soon take care of that. And if it doesn’t, you might consider starting a new trend in green-stained chrome domes.

 

Herbal remedies have been around since man stood upright. And since he’s managed to stagger into the 21st century without becoming extinct, we’ll have to assume some of them actually worked. The difficulty arises when trying to distinguish the magic from the myths.

 

Take, for example, a grandmother’s advice to shove an onion heart into the ear for earache, while tying an unwashed sock around your neck to banish a sore throat. Good luck with that one.

 

Or how about a look at that peculiar world-wide fascination with virginity. Now, by all accounts, Prince Charles could have saved himself a good deal of trouble in his search an unblemished bride. You may recall that poor Di was subjected to all manner of humiliating medical probings before being pronounced vaguely acceptable to the royals. But if Charles had simply handed her a sprig of basil, he’d have known at once. Basil, as everyone knows, withers immediately in the hands of damaged goods.

 

Mind you, Charles might have been wise to add a few extra ingredients to ensure he found a virgin bride he actually liked. Watch this space.

But back to the virginity issue. Any girls out there who’ve been led astray but have a need to restore their virtue? Here’s what you do:  sit on a comfrey bush for half an hour at dawn and an hour at dusk every day for a month....and, before you know it, you’ll be a virgin again. Try it. Let us know how you go.

 

(Boys will obviously have no need of this remedy, because boys, as we know, are all studs.)

 

And speaking of studs, poor old King Henry the Eighth, in his endless desire for a son, drank a glass of spiced mulled wine with nutmeg, coriander and carraway seeds every night to increase his potency. Hard to tell if it worked though because he confused the issue by going through six wives, and eventually having a son who died at a very young age. Still, it sounds delicious, so could be worth a try.

 

The favourite and most enduring recipes, of course, have always been the love potions and aphrodisiacs.  How about this one for keeping the home fires burning: A piece of lavender tucked into your husband’s shoe will keep him faithful while he’s away. If it’s already too late for that, burn some bay leaves and the unfaithful toad will come hurtling back.

To make doubly sure, sneak a few caraway seeds into his underpants every morning. He’ll never look at another woman. Either that, or he’ll just stop wearing his jocks. Those scratchy seeds must be driving him nuts…as it were.

 

Now for the fellas. If there’s a girl you’re after who’s showing signs of reluctance, shove a sprig of wormwood down her back and she’ll marry the first man she sees.  Just make sure it’s you.

 

Once that’s accomplished, pennyroyal under the mattress will ensure her enduring passion. (Take note, Prince Charles). After that, present her with a bunch of parsley (she’ll be thrilled) and she’ll be pregnant within the year.

Incidentally, if you’d like to become temporarily invisible, (especially while trying the baldness cure) eat a dish of parsley seeds. Even if you don’t actually disappear, you’ll be sure to have interesting dreams, and may even convince yourself you can fly. (Stay away from tall buildings during this phase.)

 

Also bear in mind that parsley will grow better for a good person than a wicked one, so try that one out before signing any deals.

An interesting one for dieters is to place a sprig of basil under any delicacy you know you ought not to eat. We are assured you’ll be completely unable to touch any food standing on basil.

 

And speaking of basil, if you want an Italian man to fall in love with you, sneak a leaf or two behind his ear. It apparently only works for Italians, but he’ll be after you like a shot. (And while he’s at it, there won’t be an insect in sight either. Basil’s other great property is it gets rid of flies.)

As you’ve probably noticed, many of these items can be used for more than one effect - so it helps if you know them all.  Alexander the Great, for example, fed onions to his troops because he thought it would make them warlike. What he didn’t know was, that if he’d spoken to their wives, he’d have heard that onion makes the perfect aphrodisiac. But then again, if he’d asked the soldiers themselves, they’d have told him the humble onion helped restore their rapidly falling hair. And yet again, a herbalist would probably have mentioned the onion’s antiseptic qualities.

 

In short then, what Alexander was left with was a troop of macho, deodorised, incredibly hairy, sex maniacs. Makes sense.

 

Alexander might also have been interested to know that for almost two centuries in medieval Europe, it was thought that ferns bore no seeds or fruit. By way of explanation, it then became accepted that they did have seeds - because all plants have seeds - but that these seeds were invisible. The magical fern seed became renowned for its power to bestow invisibility on humans, to find buried treasure and to impart miraculous superhuman strength. The only problem was with the actual tracking down of the seeds.

And so we could go on. However, if you took a look at the more serious side of herbs, you’d notice that Chinese medicine has had an ongoing interest in herbal treatments for over 4000 years. Today, even South Africans (aside from witchdoctors, who’ve always used herbs) are starting to call themselves herbalists - and being taken seriously enough to set up consulting rooms. Modern magic spells, however, tend, in most cases to have slightly more rational explanations - and less dramatic effects. And, of course, the ingredients are much easier to track down.

Here are some examples of modern-day herbal remedies - believed in, if for no other reason than that they seem to work:

 

*Asthma - eat comfrey and honeysuckle flowers steeped in honey.

A pinch of ginger sipped in Melissa tea calms the chest.

* To promote and stabilise the menstrual process, make an infusion of 2 teaspoons of dried pennyroyal in a cup of boiling water. Leave to steep for 10 to 15 minutes and drink three times a day. Avoid during pregnancy.

* Chasteberry (ironically) can be used as an aphrodisiac, largely because it normalises the hormones, including the sex hormones. One teaspoon of ripe berries is brewed into a tea and drunk three times a day.

* For depression, make a tea with damiana leaves and stems.

*Headaches can be cured with teas brewed from rosemary, lavender, basil, thyme and ginger.

* Flu can be fought with teas made from comfrey, barley or sage.

* For hayfever, chew a little honeycomb (with wax) every day. Increase the effect with mullein and violet tea.

* To fight infections, increase your intake of thyme, barley and sage in the diet or in tea.

* Stomach disorders can be helped with camomile and mint teas. Mint teas are also especially good for nausea.

 

And here, taken from a book called Home Herbal, by Penelope Ody, is a list of essential home remedies to keep in the First Aid Kit:

 

Arnica cream - for bruises and sprains. Not to be used on broken skin.

Marigold cream - sold as calendula cream, an antifungal and antiseptic cream for cuts, grazes and dry skin.

Honey - placed on a wound draws out pus and poison. Also useful for colds when mixed with lemon juice and water.

Garlic - rub fresh cloves on acne and other infected spots. Use crushed garlic to draw corns. Take internally for chest infections and thrush.

Also useful for removing stray vampires.

Distilled witch hazel - use for minor burns and sunburn. Soak a swab in witch hazel to staunch wounds. Frozen witch hazel soothes insect bites, varicose veins and bruises. Keep a clearly labelled ice cube tray of witch hazel in the freezer.

Tea tree oil - one of the most antiseptic and antifungal oils available. Use for cuts and grazes as well as on warts and cold sores.

Homeopathic Arnica tablets - essential for domestic shocks or accidents, one tablet should be taken at 30 minute intervals until you feel calmer.

Rescue Remedy - the Bach Flower Remedies have a potent effect on the emotions. Rescue Remedy is an excellent emergency treatment for shocks and nervous upsets. Take 2 to 3 drops neat on the tongue, or mix with water and sip slowly.

Evening primrose oil tablets - a useful hangover cure, restoring liver function. Take a large dose (2 to 3 grams) the morning after for rapid relief.

Lavender oil - dilute 2 to 3 drops in a teaspoon of sweet almond oil and use to massage the temples and neck for tension headaches and migraine.

For burns and scalds, rub on neat lavender oil immediately.

Slippery elm tablets - take 1 -2 x 200g capsules for indigestion, gastritis and stomach upsets, to line the stomach and reduce inflammation.

Echinacea capsules - a valuable standby for colds and flu. Take 2 x 200g capsules or tablets 3 times a day at the first hint of infection.

 

Also remember that if you have trouble finding the fresh herbs you’re looking for, aromatherapy essential oils can do the job just as well.

And then again, if you’re really confused, call a herbalist. There’s a surprising number around.

 

Unfortunately, the supply of witches equipped with useful spells seems to have dwindled lately. Nevertheless, if you look carefully.....